Deep Inside of You
by insert witty
Summary: Taichi writes Yamato a letter… ~angsty taito, yaoi~ Please read!^_^


Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon, blah, blah, blah… 

A/N: Kind of angsty taito ahead… with **limey/lemony** parts in it too… The really great song Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind inspired me to write this…:) So if you recognise anything from the lyrics, you know why^^

**Deep Inside of You** by ThatGirl

I remember everything so clearly, Yamato. The way your hair smelled as I buried my face in it when you leaned on my shoulder, how your eyes used to sparkle when I made you laugh, those things you used to whisper in my ears; tender words only for me. I wonder if you will whisper those words in someone else's ear one day. That thought hurts… it hurts terribly, but I don't mind it. I can live with it.

God, you don't know how much I wish you were here right now… It feels as if someone is trying to tear my heart out of my chest with his or her bare hands. It's like every beat pound and pound and pound cruelly slowly and distinctly, and the blood that is being pumped though it is smarting painfully. My eyes are burning hot and a thick lump in my throat has formed, which no matter how hard I try, I can't swallow down. It's difficult to even get just a little sleep at nights. 

I used to lie awake in bed sometimes, when you had fallen asleep in my arms. Your head rested upon my chest, one arm was wrapped around yourself and the hand of the other one was holding my wrist in a loose, gentle grip.

I carefully placed a hand on your chest, a little to the left, where I could feel your heartbeats under the smooth skin. Closing my eyes, I solely concentrated on the steady pulse against my fingertips and your warm body being so close to mine.

I've never known completeness quite as that before.

If I had moved, even just a single muscle, I was afraid that the moment would break like a frail, shimmering bubble of glass. Our chests rose and fell at the same time, softly and slowly lulling me to sleep. My eyelids grew heavier, but then your head moved slightly, your golden hair tickling me somewhat. It felt good. Your muscles tensed to some extent, and then you sighed quietly. You looked up at me with sleepy, blue eyes.

"What are you doing?"

I shrugged and grinned goofily, despite the fact that I was really drowsy.

"I don't know…" I told you, not removing my hand from your chest. It was nice to have it there, to feel your heart under it; evidence that you really were there.

You let yourself relax against me for a second time, and that joyous content filled my soul again. Just as if you sensed it, you tilted your head so that you were facing me once more, smiling one of those special smiles. That secret kind of smile that you didn't give anyone else but me, and all I could think of then was you. It almost seems as if they changed my life somehow. Your smiles I mean. From the very day you gave me the first one, I have never stopped loving you. Yet, I have never felt alone until I met you.

A fall breeze blows outside, and I guess the summer died along with the flowers on the table. They were once beautiful and bright, but now they are dull. I'm sorry I couldn't keep them alive for you, but you know that I always forget to water them. I've never cared so much for flowers, so why do I keep them around? Even though they're dead, I can't bring myself to throw them away.

My friends say I have changed.

Have I? Yes, I think so. 

I can't concentrate any longer, and I can't listen to what they're saying. I drift away, far, far away, to the place where you and I are still together. The past is both comforting and distressing, but I dive straight into the sea of memories without thinking.

They worry about me they say. 

But I can still feel you in my soul. 

You moaned as I slid your sweater up over your head, stroking your nipples and blowing hot air on the sensitive part of your stomach and side. My t-shirt was nowhere to be seen in the dark, and when I got your sweater off you, you began unbuttoning my trousers while you groped me in a way that only you could grope me, and that drove me mad. I tried my best to focus on the fly of your jeans, but I admit it was hard with the wonderful waves of pleasure that you caused me.

With a little help from you, I finally managed to wriggle you out of the jeans. I started licking your collarbones, letting my tongue travel upward, and only stopping by the place where your neck connected with your shoulders and back, sucking the spot long enough to make you tremble lightly and make a low, almost purring sound in the back of your throat. One of the most erotic sounds I have ever heard. You planted butterfly kisses on my forehead, and I worked my way up your neck. When I finally reached your sweet lips, I had begun preparing you –as gently as possible of course-, although all I wanted for then was to be deep inside of you that very second.

I don't think I have ever felt so alive, except when I was with you.

Nonetheless, I still have never felt so alone until I met you.... I was alright on my own I thought, and then I met you. But I rather have this than a life where I would never have even seen you, or gotten to touch you, or undergo your dazzling touches.

My friends worry, and I would know what to do, if I only knew what was coming. But I don't, and I can't help myself.

I am lost, deep, deep inside of you.

And to have you back here with me, I would change myself to whatever you wanted me to be if I could. I would apologize for everything I have done, or not done, I would say that I was so sorry for everything bad that I might have said to you, every way I have hurt you in, every thing I have done wrong. I will surrender my entire being to you if I could only hold you once more.

And at the same time, I don't want to call you. Each time I pick up the receiver, my hands start to shake and it gets hard to breathe. I hang up again and curse myself for being such a coward. It seems you always evoke sides of me that not even I knew existed. The next instant, before I know it, I feel the desperate urge to call you again, if only just to hear your voice.

Are you hurting as well? I think I am going to pieces.

But I don't want to crush you, Yamato… And then I want to crush you, because I am so angry! So utterly, unreservedly angry! 

…Because I took everything for granted. I thought you would always be by my side, always be right here with me. I never stopped to think, consider. I know can love you so much better than that…

And now, I, in spite of everything, still breathe by your looks and you only look right through me.

We were broken, _you_ had broke, but I hadn't noticed.

Your eyes weren't as vibrant as before, and you gazed at me with an expression that regardless of your sorrow, was filled with your last hope and longing.   
I'm sorry I didn't see, Yamato… I'm so very sorry…

You were withdrawing more and more, and I wasn't strong enough. I hoped that if I just ignored it, it would go away, and you would be okay again, and then _we_ would be okay again. But it didn't go away, Yamato; you did, and I never even asked you _once_ what was the matter, or how you were. I wasn't there for you like you had always been there for me.   
God, I hate myself for it! Please, Yamato, I am so sorry…

I'm in the living room while writing this. Do you remember that time when we had baked cookies and I tripped on the rug? Or the time we lit candles in the entire room? It must've been over a hundred candles. All I seem to do now is lighting candles and staring at a ghost somewhere in front of me. The ghost of the memories of you. Every place I go is one way or another reminding me of you.

Something inside of me has started to bleed.

I've lost myself without you. There's nothing left without you. It's all gone, without you.  

I miss you… Please, Yamato, you have to understand… You have to forgive me… I know I can't undo anything, but I'm not whole when you're not here.

All because 

I still

Love you

~Taichi

A/N: Aww, c'mon… Please write a review!


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